Breathing is an area in life that I find most difficult. It sounds weird to say that, as it is an instinct we all have, thinking little about...just doing. But I mean....breathing, really breathing.
Taking a deep breath in and exhaling out slowly.
Anyone who really knows me, knows that my mind goes at bullet speed never really stopping to take a second and relax. It's what I do best. Multi-tasking, moving, thinking up new things for myself to do. However, in the recent month I've had to stop moving and start breathing.
To some, this may sound like the most amazing thing in the world. But, to me...it was like taking me out of a place of all I've ever known and throwing me into a blank unfamiliar room where I'm forced to do something I've never done for an unknown period of time until I figure out what it is I need to do. That's a lot of uncertainty if you ask me, and frankly...that makes me uncomfortable.
I got my first job when I was 15 because I wanted to work. In high-school I played multiple sports, participated in extra curricular activities such as orchestra and drama and worked by my choosing. I always had a place to be and always had something that needed to get done. After I graduated high school I went straight into college where I took no less than 16 credits per semester while juggling jobs and internships, sometimes having up to 3 jobs at once. I changed my major my freshman spring semester, and took on an art and business minor along side my degree and still graduated in 4 years going into college with 0 credits.
If you talked to me about it then, I was probably stressed, of course...but, to be honest there was a part of me that loved it. I loved the challenge of needing to get things done at a particular time and keeping my mind busy. I loved knowing that I was choosing to be busy and that it was my choice to work hard.
After I graduated my boyfriend asked me to marry him, which was the happiest moment in my life...up until we got married when that changed to be the happiest moment in my life. I moved to where he was living and we were married 5 short months later.
Now, I'm married, settled down, and jobless. It's safe to say, I'm 100% out of my comfort zone.
Each day I look into something new. I change my mind hourly on what I want to do and where I want to work. I've applied for countless jobs...I get calls back but usually it's for a job I only applied for because I feel this sense of desperation.
I want to do something that matters...I want to do something that means something. But, I understand it's going to take time to find that.
So here I am, sitting and waiting....practicing my breathing. It's good though, really. There's a reason and a season for everything. If God wants me here, I'll be here waiting for his direction.
So cheers to all of you on the same boat as me. We have a purpose, so let's find it and in the mean time....just breathe.